I know online dating is huge these days. A study by researchers in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences says that more than 1/3 of marriages in the U.S. begin with online dating.
So, what kind of relationship coach would I be if I didn’t offer at least one LoveNote around online dating strategies?
Every one of my LoveNotes so far has been crafted and shared from my heart, and from my personal experience. I’ve applied all of them in my own life, and have created an extraordinary and lasting love with my partner of seven years and my wife of five. We didn’t meet online. Our meeting was just one of those right place, right time things that happened to me after I implemented the very same tips I’ve shared in these LoveNotes.
But, in April 2013, fate arranged for me to be soaking in a hot tub with a delightful woman who had recently found the love of her life online. Her name is Karali. She was sharing some of the lessons she’d learned from years of online dating. She said she had it down to a science. I asked her for permission to share some of her insights and she said yes! So, with no further ado, I bring you:
Karali’s Online Dating Advice
1. Don’t judge a profile by its picture. Go only by what they wrote and only see whose profile or letter reflects something you clearly have in common. Pictures are basically projections of what we think we see anyway.
2. Don’t invest a lot of time in prolonged email exchanges. Set up a phone conversation after just three or so emails. This helps prevent building people up in your mind and ending up disillusioned.
3. Consider anyone who is a strong writer, who has something interesting about them, who has things in common with you. It helps to consider a WIDE variety of types of people online. I believed that that my mind didn’t hold all the answers here.
4. Just because you consider a wide variety doesn’t mean you invest time in meeting each person. Again, screen them on the phone. After 15-30 mins talking, you can generally tell very clearly if there is a vibe between you. For me, if they talked too much, were argumentative (or made me feel argumentative), only talked about concrete events (as opposed to what they learned), then it was clear it wasn’t a good match.
5. After the phone conversation there is a decision point. You’ll now how you feel from talking to them. If you don’t like them and they ask you on a date, the kindest thing to do is to tell them in a gentle way that you feel it’s not a good match. Thank them for spending the time speaking with you.
6. If you need it, take the time to think about it. Say you want to digest the conversation and think about it and you will write them back soon. Don’t rush. Don’t feel pressure to please. Even if it was a pleasant conversation and you don’t want to hurt their feelings, it’s much more kind to be clear upfront than to leave them wondering. Though daring and awkward, anyway you slice it, weeding out the Nos is part of the process.
7. Trust your gut and your heart. You don’t need to look into their eyes to feel what opens up in a conversation. However, you don’t always know while on the phone. It might take a day or two after a conversation to get a feeling. Keep your head out of this. It takes some time and experience to get good at being open to a broader spectrum while also being able to trust your instincts.
8. If you feel excited about someone, even at the email stage, consider putting off other suitors until you thoroughly check out your main interest. Energetically, it can be difficult to keep up multiple conversations.
9. Online dating can be a bit of a roller-coaster, and even disillusioning at times. Try your best to keep your emotions and hormones in check to avoid multiple disappointments.
10. Meeting in person takes a lot of energy. Save it for the ones you’ve really screened. Then, be open to meeting lovely people and having positive experiences, even if you know they aren’t going to be serious relationships. Be game for learning through having fun with someone.
If online dating is your strategy of choice, then happy surfing and let me know how it goes!
KishaLynn Elliott is a coach, inspirational speaker, and author of the bestselling e-book A D.R.E.A.M. Comes True: 5 Steps to Planning and Creating Your Personal Success Story NOW! She teaches single lesbians to Find Your Equal in love and in life. If you are ready for true love, schedule a free initial consultation and let’s work together…to get her.